Finding support when dealing with infertility is an absolute must, and friends and family can lend some of that support. While they may not be able to give the perfect kind of support, some support is better than none, at least most of the time. The question isn’t so much ‘should you tell friends and family members,’ but more so ‘to whom should you open up?’ Considering the pros and cons of telling particular people can help you make the best choice. You want to tell those people who you know will support you, not those who might not understand and might make you feel worse.
The Benefits of Sharing
“Wanna-be” grandparents can be pushy sometimes, especially if they think you are actively choosing not to have kids. If you tell them that you are trying but having problems, hopefully they will stop pushing the issue. One advantage of sharing news of your infertility problems with some family members is that they will most likely stop asking those uncomfortable questions, such as “When are you going to have kids?” These kinds of questions can be quite difficult to hear, especially at family get-togethers.
Telling your friends about your infertility issues can help when awkward situations, such as baby showers, baptisms, and baby birthday parties arise. It’s completely normal to feel uncomfortable about attending a baby shower or other baby-related parties, and many women coping with infertility turn invitations down. Friends will probably be more understanding if they know about your infertility.
Possible Pitfalls
Of course, there are some possible pitfalls to sharing. People understandably don’t always know how to react to delicate information like this. It is not that your friends and family don’t want to be helpful, they are just not sure how to do so.
Some may react in an “I know all about it” or “let me fix it” way, giving you all the research studies they have found and sharing all the stories they have heard. Others may try to make you feel that there’s an easy solution. Friends may tell you not to worry or to just try IVF, not knowing how expensive and invasive some procedures can be, or that IVF is not a guaranteed solution.
Some friends can become extra uncomfortable, being afraid to tell you anything about their pregnancy or new babies. In some ways, it’s better than having to listen to them talk on and on about their own pregnancy or babies. On the other hand, it introduces a huge elephant in the room so that everyone is afraid to talk about pregnancy or anything at all that is related to babies.
Deciding Who to Tell
With these benefits and possible pitfalls in mind, how do you decide exactly who to tell? Telling your parents may be a good idea, but only if they are not the type to react with blaming or excessive advice giving. You most likely have a pretty good idea by now whether or not telling your parents is the best thing to do. You will have to ask yourself which is easier; dealing with the occasional “when are you going to have kids” question, or possibly listening to how all of this is “your fault” because you waited too long to start your family?
Often, the best family support comes from siblings, or maybe even a cousin with whom you have a relaxed and caring relationship. The whole idea is to find a few family members that you feel comfortable confiding in; you will want someone you can call on a bad day, or to make understanding eye-contact with at those family gatherings when an inappropriate or difficult comment is made.
You know your friends best, and you can probably quickly check off who not to tell. You certainly love your friends dearly, but there are just some friends who don’t do well in sticky social situations, and there are others who just feel the need to give way too much advice. Keep in mind that you don’t need to feel obligated to tell someone just because he or she is a good friend. It’s entirely possible that your best friend isn’t the best person to confide in; a good friend at work might just be the perfect person to give you the kind of support you need. Make choices based on what is best for you, and not based on who you think deserves to know.
Support from Other Couples Dealing with Infertility
It’s also very important to have support from others who understand infertility. One of the most important benefits of participating in a support group is a decrease in the sense of isolation many people feel when they are experiencing infertility. A local support group or an online infertility community are both great resources to consider. Even though your friends or family members may be good listeners, you will probably find that you need to talk with others who get what you are saying or feeling because they have been there themselves. You can ask the staff at your infertility clinic for information regarding local support groups; they may even have information regarding online communities that have been helpful for other patients. CORM holds a peer-led Support Group on a monthly basis at our Webster location that is open to women, men, and couples who are confronted with varying degrees of challenges dealing with their infertility journey.
Another great resource for help in finding the right support group can be found on the National Infertility Awareness website… RESOLVE.ORG
Telling friends and family about your infertility can be beneficial. Just choose who you are going to tell carefully. Remember that, even though they truly do want to support you and understand your situation, it may be difficult for them having not gone through the same challenges that you are facing.
If you are experiencing problems getting pregnant, the caring and professional staff at the Center of Reproductive Medicine are available to answer your questions and to schedule an appointment with one of our specialists. Our experienced infertility doctors will work closely with you to choose the best fertility program for your individual reproductive needs.