No matter what time of year it is, family gatherings can be emotionally tough when you’re coping with infertility. Getting together with family can be even more difficult. The holiday season often reminds us that our family building has not gone the way we had hoped or imagined. Seeing brothers and sisters, cousins, or even old family friends with their children can remind you of what you don’t have. That’s never easy, and it can be especially painful during holiday celebrations.
You are probably feeling stressed out just thinking about your next holiday get-together, so here are some coping tips that may help:
As you are reading this, you are probably thinking that is an incredibly negative tip to start with, but it’s an important one, important enough to list it first. When it comes to family, who can say no? Who wants to say no? It feels like an impossible thing to do. If you don’t go to the holiday dinner, your parents and family may protest pretty strongly, and possibly very loudly. However, they can’t make you go, and you should do what is best for you to minimize your stress and sadness.
If you have had a really difficult time attempting to resolve infertility issues during the year, being around babies and children during the holidays may be the last thing you want or need to maintain your mental health. That may mean making the decision to skip Passover, Christmas, or New Year’s with your family this year. In order to keep a sense of calm balance, you and your partner can make dinner together at home, or perhaps get together with some adult friends (without children) to celebrate the holiday. Another idea would be to plan a holiday getaway; take a few vacation days and spend them relaxing and doing something fun with your partner.
Being around children can be difficult when you’re trying to get pregnant, and sometimes, especially if your arms are empty, family members will hand you the baby to hold while they attend to other matters. For some people, holding babies reminds them of what they are missing. It’s alright to say no if you aren’t feeling very baby-friendly. You can do a couple of things if you are placed in this situation, such as making yourself busy or passing the baby into another pair of empty arms. Be honest and let your family members know that holding the little ones is too painful for you at the moment.
Uncomfortable conversations that come up at family dinners, especially those offering unwanted advice, can be hard to swallow. Of course, you do not want to hear advice regarding how to get pregnant from family “experts.” If your family doesn’t know about your infertility, you certainly won’t want any advice about why you shouldn’t wait any longer to have kids. Conversations that focus on the negative aspects of pregnancy or parenting can also be quite upsetting. Listening to a family member or close friend go on and on about her morning sickness can feel unbearable when you would give anything to be nauseated from pregnancy.
If you find yourself in the middle of an uncomfortable conversation, don’t be afraid to switch the subject. That may not be an easy task; however, you can be direct if your attempt to change the subject doesn’t work. Without a major explanation, you can say that you really don’t want to talk about “this” right now. Even though you may feel upset or angry inside, you should be able to stop an uncomfortable conversation with kindly spoken words and a smile.
Family gatherings are the place for pregnancy announcements, whether direct (a big production announcing the pregnancy) or indirect (walking into the house in maternity clothes and a growing stomach). It is far from easy to cope with pregnancy announcements when you’re trying to get pregnant. Even if you are happy for your friend or family member, it can still hurt. When you are coping with infertility, it is normal to feel sadness when a friend or family member announces their pregnancy. Don’t feel guilty for those feelings of sadness or possible momentary feelings of hopelessness, but do be prepared for the possibility.
Probably the most important coping tip to remember is to be forgiving of yourself. You might feel guilty for experiencing a sense of sadness when your sister gets pregnant. You may even feel like a twit when you ask your cousin to please stop talking about her morning sickness. These feelings are normal and you should not feel guilty about taking care of your feelings and mental health.
Coping with infertility is extremely difficult. Most family members and friends simply don’t know what it is like to cope with infertility; they just don’t know what you are going through. Most will try to understand and support you, and for the most part, they would never want to hurt your feelings. In many cases, they simply don’t know how to provide the support that you may need, especially during the holiday season.
If you need to skip the holidays with family this year, go ahead and do just that. If you need to leave early, or come to the party late, you can do that. There is no need to feel like you are letting others down. Holidays can be a stressful time, so it is important for you and your partner to come up with coping strategies that work for you.